Why not

Both my nana and my grammy got sent to the hospital yesterday. Dad and I visited Grammy (my mum's mum) today and afterwards she said "Pray for me, loves." I did.

Suck on that James haha

http://www.personalitylab.org/tests/ccq_hogwarts.htm

There, a more in depth, "this is gonna take forever" sorting quiz. I still got Hufflepuff...

At least do the quiz at the end if you don't want to read the whole thing haha

I don't know what's going on anymore. Or rather, I've realized I never knew, not really. There were a few things I thought I was sure about, but now that's all out the window.

If you asked me a month ago about God I'd reply "I'm Atheist." because we don't have a whole lot of proof.

Now I know that I've been sheltered my whole life. I never gave religion a chance. If my dad wasn't as Atheist as Tyra Banks is crazy then maybe I would have been raised differently. One ordinary day mom requested that I pray for someone (she asks this a lot) and I stated "Mom it makes me uncomfortable when you say things like that, you know I don't believe in God." She looked hurt for a moment, but at the same time it felt like the right thing to do. I only ever enter a church for a chamber choir concert, I've never read the bible, why would she expect me to pray on a daily basis?

But I've come to the conclusion that there was always a little part of me that thought "If there is a God, I don't want to offend him by not believing." because that's how my mind works. I think of others first. After Ronette died I cried for weeks. I clearly remember me saying "Please, God, she deserved so much more than this. Make sure she's happy and safe in heaven. Thank you so much."

I always wondered what came over me. I would always "pray" for a loved one when they passed away, but the rest of my life I pretended as if he didn't exist. But I certainly don't want him to retract his blessings on Cunie and Sophie and Dede and Bootsie and Papa and Allen and Ronette and all the wonderful beings that are missed, so a small part of me will always believe. I'd much rather protect those who I love and believe in something that may or may not exist than curse them because I'm too ignorant to even consider that God may be real.

r.i.p.

I hope in my life I experience several different spiritualities and religions, maybe even find one that's right for me.

Another thing I'm confused about is love.

I'm quite confident that most high school relationships move too quickly. Maturity hasn't fully set in, and two people start saying "I love you" meaning "I'm in love with you" shortly after they start a relationship, or even right after they start dating. Friendships are formed that create a foundation for love that they build upon since we're always around the same people.

But many students don't realize the difference between love, infatuation, and lust, which leads to downfall in several relationships.

I'm a believer in don't start a romantic relationship with someone unless you can consider marrying the person, or at least spending the rest of your life with him/her. At the same time I think that people's minds and views and desires are always changing, and seem to plateau after they've matured to their personal, full extent.

I also don't believe in sex before love. I'm grateful for pre-marital sex, otherwise I wouldn't be here, but in all honesty my parents certainly weren't in love when I was conceived. I was accident, and now I'm just a really lucky bastard. Literally. If I hadn't come into the picture my parents wouldn't have dated for more than a couple months. They're just two different people that didn't work out. I feel bad, because my parents don't get along, but they put up with each other for my sake. They even feign friendship when we're with company, and I thank them for that. What they've done is incredibly self-less.

This leads to another point. Abortion. I value life, I'm a friggen vegan, and if I did someday get pregnant before I was ready I probably would keep what could possibly turn into a baby, just because it might have a chance. Contrarily, I'm pro-choice.

Mom told me a story about when she was in school several decades ago. A popular girl stole her boyfriend and she ended up pregnant because of it. Abortion was outlawed in America and several other countries at the time, so the boyfriend's family had to pay the girl lots of money so she could fly to Japan, have the operation, and fly back.

My mum was going to abort me, but two days before she decided against it. She felt that I was special. I'm not sure if I lived up to her or anybody's standards, in fact I'm pretty sure I haven't and won't until I'm older, but the point is that if she had doubt in her mind while on a plane to Asia she probably would have gone through with the operation for all the hassle she had gone through and I wouldn't be here blogging at 2 in the morning.

It's kind of hard for me to not be pro-choice. The last thing I want to do is be ungrateful for what I was blessed with.

But I think that making love is one of the most intimate things you can do with someone, why would you want to do this with someone you don't fully care about? Isn't that like cheating love? I'm scared that someday I won't be strong enough, that I'll be pressured and I'll go against my views because I'm afraid of loss and rejection. Hopefully this won't happen, but it's a definite possibility, and I can already see myself regretting how much of a wimpy pushover I am.

I admire chivalry, and having the courage to do what's right. Like Gryffindor, but for real. Because we all know Hermione probably should've been in Ravenclaw, but she was one of those lucky souls that could've fit into two houses so that there'd be a popular series to make millions. That's why Giligan never made a boat to get off the island.

I'm always in friggen Hufflepuff. What's up with that? I'm not smart, not brave, not cunning, so I was put in the reject house. The "wellll since you're already here you can stay, but you kinda suck" house. It wouldn't be as fail-tastic if someone else was sorted accordingly, just given the circumstances it makes it seem like I wouldn't fit in Hogwarts at all. haha

http://www.thealmightyguru.com/Reviews/HarryPotter/Docs/Quiz-House.html

What'd everyone else get? Anybody join me in the loyal, dependable, hardworking ranks? :)

Attraction

I like the feeling of being attracted. When you can't stop grinning, whether you're staring at a new book or an old lover. This was inspired by a recent obsession in the form of a song.

If That's All Right With You- Feltbeats

If that's alright with you,
I'll pack my bags and be on my way.
And still if that's not alright with you -
Speak now 'cause I'm on my way round
To spend the night with you,
Hold you in my arms like you was a guitar.
And by now you're guessing I'm liking you.
So fine and I want you to be mine.

So while I'm in this state of mind there's no time like the present.
Pick you up to sing you little songs under a half crescent.
Be so very pleasant
Only you and myself.
The only problem is I'm here
And you appear just to be somewhere else.

That's just the way it is.
I've done my best yet still I'm stressed.
Oh no I'm sick of the way it is.
And what to do I simply haven't got two clues.

Because I've been searching for a person of a kind,
But the only thing I've found is she's pretty hard to find.
Starry shine from the sky at night like it's my final sign.
I wish that you were with me but I guess that I'll get by alright.

'Cause that's when I woke up you're not lying there.
For that's when I woke up and realized how much I simply care...
And How much I simply care...

If that's alright with you
I'll pack my bags and be on my way.
And still if that's not alright with you speak now 'cause I'm on my way round
To spend the night with you,
Hold you in my arms like you was a guitar.
And by now you're guessing I'm liking you.
You're so fine and I want you to be mine.

Wherever she is and whatever she's doing,
She's probably got a hundred thousand people already queuing,
And on top of it my brain and body haven't seemed to got a grip,
Every time I try to ring you up I seem to bottle it.
What a dick!
What to say to you? Forgotten it.
Supposed to be so confident and cool - I'm quite the opposite.
Listen, yeah, being by myself already sick of that.
Kiss your lips - hit me for six, just like a cricket bat.
Smack, gone, going, what's happened is not knowing -
Wont stop flowing 'till I've filled up my little cup of fort.
Looking for a little lady to love and not the other sort.
I love the thought of you and I living like it's do or die.
I'm here for you my girl you as long as I'm blue and I
There'll be a cloudless sky when I see the sight of you.
I kiss you on the lips, but only if that's alright with you.
(But only if that's alright with you.)

If that's alright with you
I'll pack my bags and be on my way.
And still if that's not alright with you,
Speak now 'cause I'm on my way round
To spend the night with you,
Hold you in my arms like you was a guitar.
And by now you're guessing I'm liking you.
You're so fine and I want you to be mine.
I want you to be mine.

The last verse is my personal favorite.

I'm not very judgmental, and I don't look for faults in others. I like people, that's just the way I am. Regardless, there are some qualities I like more than others.

To name a few things I am attracted to:

Energy.

Caring.

Funny.

Martyrs.

Spirit.

British.

Commitment.

Confidence.

Sensitivity.

Alternative.

Loyal.

Self-less.

Magic.

Love, and love of life.

Piercings.

Pierce-free.

Tom Felton.

Accepting.

Effective talkers.

Dancing.

Skinny jeans.

Romantic.

Acoustic.

Spontaneity.

Tears.

Devotion.

Poetry.

Converse.

Friendship.

Open-minded.

Hugs.

Not stressing over the little things.

Guitars.

Inner beauty.

Scents.

Barefoot frame of mind.

Valentines.

Trust.

Laughter.

Emotion.

Kisses.

Gentlemen.

Sweet.

Vegetarians.

Love songs.

Musicians.

Listen.

Seduction.

Punk.

Genuine.

Inner child.

Exotic.

Brendon Urie.

Smiles.

Humble.

Accents.

Optimism.

Flustered.

Don't worry, that's just a start. This list is never ending, and hopefully always changing. Transforming, lengthening, growing. Blossoming until one individual decides to impact the rest of our lives for the better. Forever with each other, and love will linger in the spaces where hands fit together.

If I could live a life of love I would be eternally grateful to whatever force granted my happiness. If it's not too bold of me, I'd like to say in advance:

Thank you.

Tales of p2p 2 (haha it's like a pattern!)

One day we got to learn some Greek dances. We got split randomly into two groups. My group danced first then went to the beach next to the dance studio and the others went to the beach first. I was fortunate, we got to cool off after a workout while the other group got to have a layer of sweat caked onto their skin. Yummay!

Towards the end of the dancing lesson our instructor, who had a raging unobrow, told us that the boys had to pick a girl to dance with. Travis picked Kelsey, Hudson picked Sara (she's been dancing since she was 1), then it was Alex's turn to choose. I discreetly looked away, hoping he wouldn't pick me. I'd a hundred times rather have a girl than have him. So obviously he picked me.

KBiggYGvIHVIHVkhv

Alex is Max's brother (from Kennebunk, not Max on the trip), and since they look almost identical it made me nauseous just being around him. Having to touch him had me hating myself for a long while. That wasn't a pleasant experience, but it's over now. The sad thing was that I saw Jim frown when Alex said my name. He later hinted that he was going to pick me if he had gotten the chance.

WHY ALEX :(

While my group was at the beach, eyeing each other in our prude-ish, ambassadorial bathing suits (us girls couldn't show our stomachs, it was pretty bad), the other kids were breaking a sweat in the stuffy dance studio. Max misheard the instructor when he told him to say "Opah!" and instead repeated "Opar!" every few minutes. This continued for a long time before anybody had the heart to tell him the error of his ways. It turned into a running joke (the best kind of joke). Instead of saying cheers we would just raise our glasses and yell "Opar!"

Another funny thing that happened was this.

Travis calls his grandpa "Grandpar!". He's really close to his family. During one of the bus rides he said "Grandpar! He's an awesome guy, I miss him." then completely out of the blue he stated "He can make a mean root beer float."

Thank the stars for random humor.

He also really liked Fire Burning, which is why we played that song a lot. We visited an Italian school and most of the kids had tan skin, dark hair and dark eyes. There was one kid who was pale and had red hair. The other boys who attended the school were making fun of him. At one point Travis got really pissed off about this, stating "I don't like bullies." he told the leaders but they didn't do anything, so he yelled "Sara the vegan! Come over here!" I approached him as he said "See she's got red hair and she's totally hott! It's cool to be ginger." He tried his best to help out the kid but after a minute it was apparent that they didn't understand English. He was getting really worked up so he quoted the song by saying "I need to be cool like fire."

Which made us all think about how that doesn't make the least bit of sense. haha yay dance music lyrics!

One of our conversations on the bus went like this:

Travis: Have you seen Hot Rod?

Sara: Yeah I love that movie!

Travis: Well I haven't.

Then he quoted one of my favorite scenes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOa_Uzyxhnk

Sara: I love how you can quote all these movies you've never seen

Travis: Me too, quoting movies like Hot Rod and Napoleon Dynamite is my life. Did you know Jon Heder's Mormon?

He then monologued Napoleon Dynamite for at least 5 minutes. It was hilarious because here was a real life human being who could flawlessly recite each and every word to a movie so stupidly ingenious as this. I was cracking up the entire time. Because you know you've found someone great when they can do the accent perfectly.

The last few days when we were in Rome we stayed in a Holiday Inn. It was the only normal hotel. Before that we were in the sketchiest hotel alive where the lights flickered and the hallways were narrow and frightening. Great fun.

But at the hotel you wouldn't find in a horror film, the guys started having these really intense "pillow fights". They would take off their shirts, go into Travis, Max, and Frank's room and wrestle each other in the dark. At one point me, Kelsey, and Sara were in our room (which is directly above Troy, Klebage, and Jim Sobanik bubonic jump up on it electronic's room) and Jim had his shirt off. Kelsey asked "what are you guys doing?" and he replied "wrestling other men in the dark with our shirts off...and honey." to be awkwardly funny.

And when we were outside their room (we couldn't go in because Francie and DBB (Kelsey) had already gotten in trouble and almost sent home for being in a guy's room. They didn't really tell us it was against the rules 'til afterwards...) Klebage would randomly open and close the door, so sometimes they could see and other times Sweet Pete would hit his head on the nightstand, Max would pile drive Jim and Travis into Frank's broken bed, or someone would hit Travis's glasses so they almost break in the darkness. It was great fun. At one point Klebage threw a shoe and it hit Travis right in the face. He almost passed out, but me and Sara air kissed him to make it better. Kisses make everything better.

I find Jim to be very profound. We were talking about SAT scores and it was evident that he got a very high score, but was being humble about his intelligence. To boost his confidence I said "You're smart, you're taking all AP classes." and he replied with "Sometimes I feel dumb for taking them."

He knows that kids forget most of what they learn in school and that most of the time we spend there is virtually useless because of this. It would be fine if we were learning things that were important. In 20 years we'll look back on our education and wish we had tried harder but only because we can't remember what we were taught. The system needs some work, it's not our fault.

The point is he has his priorities in order even if he takes all AP classes. He lives and breathes music, wants to be an engineer, and knows how he's getting there while still leaving time for his friends and hobbies. I admire him.

Another conversation we had went like this.

"You wore your glasses today! I like them."

"Thanks, Sara the vegan."

"Thanks for appreciating my compliment to you."

"Thank you for noticing my appearance."

"Thank you for wearing your glasses today."

Then he grinned and said, "You're welcome."

It stuck with me for some reason and I don't know why, so it must be important. Maybe I was meant to share it with all you folk.

Tales of p2p

Here's a list of some of the infamous songs that I'll never forget because of the trip:

Jack Johnson's album In Between Dreams (Never Know was our good morning song that we played every morning)

Right Round- Flo Rida

Fire Burning- Sean Kingston

Boom Boom Pow- Black Eyed Peas

I'm on a Boat- The Lonely Island (this happened several times due to overnight ferry rides)

Baby Got Back- Sir Mix A Lot

I Love College- Asher Roth

La Bomba- King Africa (we learned an Italian dance to this song <3)

Chica- Culcha Candela

Big City Life- Mattafix

And a song about African children crying no more and dynamo and a better tomorrow that none of us could find haha

We played lots of dance music on the bus and in the clubs on the ferries.

No one used the club on the first ferry ride because it was empty. On the second ferry ride me, Kelsey and Francie were being teenage girls and dancing with each other instead of with the guys because they weren't doing much of anything (even though all but two of them were present). It was about 15 minutes before bed checks and Boom Boom Pow came on. Travis was doing some funny dance move during the beginning so we were like "YES they're not just standing there". Then Right Round came on and they were loosening up. We were excited, we were going to make the most of the time before bed checks when suddenly they all froze. The girls and I looked behind them to see Jim LaPlante (aka the leaf) standing there, grinning like he had just fulfilled a certain manly want of his. We screamed and bolted in the opposite direction. We didn't want a creeper like him seeing a bunch of girls grinding on each other. After we were down a few floors from the club we stopped to catch our breath. Jim Sobanik bubonic jump up on it electronic jumped down the stairs and informed us that the leaf was pissed. We walked him to his room, so that he wouldn't get caught being alone (a major no no in the p2p protocol), and then found Travis, who told us the same thing in a much funnier, more animated way. Then as we were talking to him the leaf appeared at the top of the stairs. He crept by us while laughing sketchily as we tried to avoid eye contact with him. We failed dismally at pretending to be highly interested in the large mirror that covered the wall. It was incredibly awkward. We ran back to our rooms, completely traumatized. Then I traded that story with Hannah for the one where Sweet Pete punched Klebage in the face.

I might as well explain that one.

For future reference Hudson's last name is Klebs, pronounced just like it looks. That didn't last very long, and people started saying Kleebs. This soon turned into Klebage. Peter's name is Sweet Pete, but that doesn't really have much of a story. It just rhymed.

Klebage is pretty chill but can be really awkward. He reminds me somewhat of Shawn Callahan. It's hard to be around him for more than a couple of minutes before the conversation is strained and awful. He can be nice, though. He was usually the one to get my suitcase off the bus because I'm such a wimp. He can do this really cool trick to make cards disappear and oh my God it's awesome. Magic is so attractive.

Sweet Pete is pretty obnoxious and immature. He's also very materialistic. The only time I ever believe he acts his age is when he's talking about money or cars or weapons. (He burned down a forest and once we caught wind of this story labeled him as the group's pyromaniac. He bought several lighters and knives, which he collects, while we were over there.) I'm such a Debbie Downer, I need to be a Positive Polly. But really even after I told him I'm afraid of fire he continued to wave a lit lighter in front of my face until Travis told him to knock it off. I'm pretty sure Sweet Pete had a man crush on most of the guys on the trip, because he was always trying to impress them.

It was late, so I don't really remember a whole lot about the story. The gist of it was that Klebage turned off the light to go to sleep when Sweet Pete used his key to enter the room. Then he turned on the lights and went into the bathroom. Klebage turned off the lights again because he thought Sweet Pete had left and he was trying to get to sleep. Upon exiting the bathroom, Sweet Pete stumbled and got frustrated with Klebage, saying if the lights had been off he wouldn't have hurt himself. He then punched Klebage in the face and left the room, storming the halls of the ferry by himself. This explained why these two boys were the only ones not in the club at one point or another during the night. They're cool now, but Sweet Pete was wicked pissed before, which is really sad 'cause Klebage is pretty chill.

The cast of p2p

The trip was amazing. It's probably the best time I've had in my life. I met some wonderful people, got to see great things, it was a perfect chunk of my summer. Now that I'm back in the states there's a part of me that's a little under the weather (I forgot how cold Maine is), but I'm trying to stick some genuinely good advice.

Don't frown because it's over, smile because it happened. ~Dr. Seuss

It's going to take me forever to sort through all the pictures I took, so those will trickle onto facebook eventually. In the mean time you can correlate the few pics I've uploaded with the names I'll be mentioning.

One of the girls I got to know is named Sara. I love her, she's awesome, we even have a handshake. She's had such a rough past but she still smiles like youthful optimism. I find this very admirable. She lives in Cape Elizabeth, so that's not terribly far away. Hopefully I'll still be able to see her. I still miss her, of course. Why can't everybody who's wonderful just live in Kennebunk so I can see them whenever I want? How incredibly selfish of me to wish haha

Two girls I befriended, they're pretty much a pair, are Kelsey and Francie. They're great, and they live in Scarborough and Saco so I'll be able to chill with them. Lots of inside jokes started with us. I love them. Kelsey's a girly partyer and Francie's a tomboy, a perfect combination. Francie works at Funtown so whenever we go there we must look for her in the food stands. Kelsey used to work at Funtown too at the front gate. It's just a town of fun people! (that was some kind of pathetic play on words)

One of the guys I got close to is named Travis. We actually had deep one-on-one conversations with each other, and I can't say that about most people. We would sit next to each other against the hallway wall and as an emotional subject came up, he would put his arm around me when I cried. If someone walked by and interrupted us he would say "We're kind of talking here, so if you don't mind-" and politely give them their que to leave. It was really sweet. He wants to be a psychiatrist, so he likes talking intimately with people. We discussed lots of things like our pasts, his religion (I asked 'cause I didn't know anything about Mormonism), our families, I even told him I was bi. I was relieved to find out he's not against homosexuality like facebook told me he was. (just some pre-trip facebook stalking to find out who's too cool for school and who's lamer than Mondays) He lives almost 2 hours away, so I'm going to miss him a lot. He's probably one of the most caring, accepting persons I've ever met in my life. Plus he's absolutely hilarious.

Max is a funny guy, but since he has dial up he can't get facebook which means I probably won't talk to him until the reunion. Lots of the guys (besides the equally comical Travis) didn't like him. They thought he was obnoxious and annoying. I didn't find anything wrong with him. I mean to say that I wouldn't want to be dating the guy but he's not bad. He always smelled good, though. And he's on the football team, so he has to be in shape. Those were some great pluses. haha

Jim was a pretty laid-back, funny in a slightly awkward way, classic rocker. We would sing Beatles songs on the long bus rides. Sometimes he would have these pms-y moments where he would make fun of me but I'm hoping he didn't mean it. A few of us would say this rhyme every 5 seconds or so that involved his awesome last name. Jim Sobanik bubonic jump up on it electronic. (We also listened to that song Apache (Jump on it) a lot, along with various others)

There were definitely a lot of other people I was friends with, but I'll explain them when they come up in stories. I'm going to try writing down as many funny or memorable moments as possible in future entries.

Probably one of the most important things I learned from this trip is one doesn't really know a person at first glance. People usually don't express themselves the way they really are, and they can't tailor themselves to anybody. You may think that you know someone because of the clothes they wear, but that doesn't mean anything. Not in this world. It takes a long time. Appearances are deceiving, and so are opinions and views and haircuts and jokes and the way lips curl into smiles. But hearts are wonderful things, and I'm sure life will treat us all well. We have the honor, the privilege, to know and love amazing people with magnificent shock lacing every step of the journey. Talk to someone. You might be surprised.